Life With Kitty

I was trying to play with Piper today but as you can see she was being super lazy all cuddled up on her spot. So, I decided to get the camera out instead and just shoot her natural beauty.
As I am attempting this, I caught a glimpse of something in the lens as the shutter clicked. Look...do you see it? The black fuzzy stuff in the upper left corner...yeah, that's Masseuse, our cat. I couldn't get another shot of Piper for him standing in front of the lens wiping his snotty nose all over it and yowling at me. Can you tell he was obviously feeling left out?

But as I leaned back on the couch and reverted my attention to His Highness, THIS is the look I get!


Pray tell, what in Heaven's name hath I done, Master Masseuse, to have offended thee so?
Shall I fetch thee clean water from the spring?
Should I swiftly flee to the ocean shore and bring thee back the finest of freshest tuna?
Shall I command the sun to rise in the West instead of the East tomorrow?

Honestly, this cat has some major personality disorders. I "rescued" him from a garage sale about 2 years ago. He was skinny and hungry but friendly. When I picked him up, (which is always my downfall because I never put them back down and they inevitably end up coming home with me, much to my husband's dismay), he began kneading my chest and arms, hence how he got his name. Now, read on and tell me that I am not the one needing rescuing here!

Let's discuss just a couple of his disorders, quickly before he notices I'm gone:

Schizophrenia: One minute he's lazily laying next to me in bed bathing himself. The next thing I know, he's clawing me to get to the door and escape something that I guess is going to eat him. I used to jump out of bed, too when he did this. We'd both be looking around the room all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, eyeballing each other. After a minute or two I'd crawl back into bed, but not before checking underneath it and in the covers for some kind of culprit for his madness. I have come to realize that it was the voices in his head told him to do that.

OCD: He walks figure 8s around my legs every morning while I'm in the bathroom getting dressed. This sounds typical of a cat, right? No. It's not! He does this every morning at the same time and if he can't get to me he starts yowling outside the door frantically. Eventually, he starts knocking his head against the door. I'm not kidding. Plus, he HAS to race me down the stairs every morning. And he HAS to win. No matter how much of a head start I get, he will fly past me scooby-dooing the last few steps and risking a broken neck just to beat me. I used to think it was a little game we played. No, this is his sick obsession with authority over me. Which leads me right into a BIG one...

Narcissism: Hence, the reason I started this post to begin with. His feelings of grandiosity and prestige prevented him from allowing me to give any sort of attention to any other four-legged member of the clan. He has this sense of entitlement, that everything in the house is HIS; the couch where I was just sitting 2 seconds ago, the magazine I am reading at the moment, the laptop I am currently typing on (right now), the milk on my cereal, the potted plants outside, my hair ties-whether they're in my hair or not, the clothes on my floor, my jewelry-specifically dangley earrings, the dog's food, the bread in the bread box that's double bagged, the water from the sink while I'm doing the dishes, even the dust bunnies I so neatly swept into a pile that I had to turn my back on for just a second to get the dust pan...

Dissocial/Multiple Personalities: OK, get this. I'm relishing in a rare cuddling moment with Masseuse. He's happily curled up in my arms, I'm stroking his head, he's purring loudly and has his eyes closed. I scratch his nose, his all-time favorite scratching spot, and he presses his face into my finger. He's liking this, right? That's what one would assume. All of a sudden he opens his eyes and, you know that look in the picture above?
It's too late.
I can't back away slowly.
I can't shake hands and compromise a truce.
I can't bribe him with super yummy and very expensive kitty treats.
All I can do is cover my throat and curl into the fetal position and pray for the beatings to end soon.
Within a few minutes it's all over. I emerge only partially scathed and bruised. There are claw marks on my forehead and teeth marks up and down my arms. Clumps of my hair are in piles here and there all around me. I am bleeding profusely from one ear.
Then, he licks me.
On my sore spot.

I have contemplated taking him to the vet for some sedatives of some kind but am afraid of what will happen if I forget a dose one day.

Angel Kitty or Devilish Feline? You decide.