Satirical Saturday: "Creepiness Never was Sexiness"

To the middle-aged man at the pool with the tan that screams "Orange Juice parade!": Although you have no doubt been to the gym to work on your biceps (which by the way, is the only thing working to your advantage), the fact that you stare at me from across the pool while rubbing yourself down with oil (as if your hair didn't have enough) does not make me want to pull a Pamela Anderson and fulfill your *gag* fantasies of me running over to you to perform pretend rescue mouth-to-mouth.

The word "creepy" is an adjective that follows you around like dog poo on a sneaker. No matter where you go, there's that annoying stench that no amount of grass-rubbing can scrape off. So, forgive me if I don't fall off my lawn chair in a hazy daydream of frolicking together in a grassy meadow. However, this word is italicized, bold, and in the largest font possible when referring to you considering you seem to be oblivious to the fact that I am sitting in the kiddie section with my 4 children while you try to use your imaginary X-ray vision to burn a hole through my mono-kini.

Word of advice, a good sheering before jumping in the public pool would benefit not only you, but the pool drains...(not to mention our gag reflexes).

And drop the cheesy swan dive into the pool with the dramatic tricep flex out. It's only 4 feet where you dive off and......on second thought, why not try diving a little deeper next time?