Pity Party Drunkard

Hey ev'rbody...

Thankths fer comin'.
[smacks tongue in between lips twice and hiccups softly].
Oops, 'scuse me.
Uhh, not suurre wh, whhyyy no more peoples sthowed up to thisss little sshhindig?
I figured LOTS of pity-goers would be lined up for thisss Par-TAAYY.

Oh, lookie! Selfishness came! [jumping up and down but stops abruptly and covers her mouth]. I just *hiccup* luff herrr. She's jus' so, sooo...centered, you know? Oo! Hey, Ignorance! [begins to whisper] I luff her, too but not all the lighbulbs came with the chandelier, if ya know what I meeaan. Ssshhhh [roughly puts a finger to her lips, distorting them]...that'sth our little secreT. Let's seeee, I saw Common Sense, but she left already. It's ok, she's like NO fun anyway. I hope Depression comes,though...now that one, she reeeally knows how to get doowwnnnn!

Hmmm, weird [wrinkles nose and forehead].......didn't anybody else get the invites? *hiccup* I sent them out, like, like, uhhhhhhhhh, [counts on fingers], a monf ago. I spefisically, specifislee, spec-i-fi-cally said I didn't want anybo'y to bother me! Which means I really DO want people to bother me!! [sniffles]. But not like bother, bother me...jus' show up...and *hiccup* pity *hiccup* wiff me!
You'd fink they'd know that by NOW. [pouts excessively and wipes nose all the way across sleeve].
But nobody sthowed up to my last party, *hiccup*, no body showeded up to that one either.
Hmrph! I may jus' have to find some, some new frans. [stamps her foot and twirls clumsily to leave but runs into a brick wall and knocks herself out cold].   

*Due to the damage caused to my ego combined with complete waste of time and cycle of self-loathing that stalls any form of personal progress or intelligent decisions to be made, I regret to inform you that there will be no more Pity Parties being hosted at my house.