My Fears: Exposed and Explored, but not Exonerated

I have what's called a "fear of success".
Sounds ridiculous, but it's a genuine fear that halts people from achieving their most desired dreams and goals.
It stems from other fears, such as fear of the unknown, fear of change and fear of ridicule.
Questions flood the mind, "What if this goal is not really what I wanted afterall?", "What if when I accomplish my goal, it's not what others expected of me?", "What if this goal changes the way my family and friends perceive me? What if it changes my family altogether?", "What if after I attain my goal, it's no fun anymore?", "What if..."
And thus, the dream is put on the shelf until a resolution for these questions can be made.
But a resolution is never obtained and the dream does nothing but gather dust.

I worry about these very "what if..." scenarios. I have not followed a few of my dreams for fear it would cause changes that would leave everlasting scars on me or my family.
I had the chance to go sing and dance in Branson, MO for the rest of my life. Think of it, to be on stage doing what I love! Where do I sign?!
But reality set in rather quickly. That would mean my family would be ripped from their comfort zone. My kids would have to find new friends and get used to a new school. My husband would have to start his business over from the ground up. Years of working to get where we are now would be gone for the sake of following my selfish dream. A risk, to say the least.

On a lighter note, I have accomplished one of my goals of becoming an EMT and saving lives. However, after I passed my local course, it took me nearly 2 months to finally sign up for the National Registry test so I could actually get a bona fide job saving lives.
Why?
Because I was afraid of failing the test.
Because I was afraid of passing the test.
I was afraid that if I failed, I'd never be able to face my EMT, Paramedic and Firefighter friends again.
I was afraid that if I passed I'd get a job and one day under the pressure of a medical emergency, forget all my training and accidentally kill someone.

But on the flip side of that coin, I also have deep scars caused from the regrets of not following some of my dreams.
Take the Branson opportunity, for instance. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I mill over two-faced "what if..." questions such as, "What if the kids would have wanted to attend a new school and actually thrived in their new environment?", "What if I had been so successful that Jonathan wouldn't have had to work to start us over?", "What if it's what I was supposed to do - my calling in life, and I missed it?"

Now, as if this whole situation isn't oddly complicated enough, there's another twist.
I also have a fear of failure.
This fear gets its roots from one simple thing...embarrassment.

If I had gone to Branson and failed in my attempts to please a crowd with my so-called talent, what would I tell my family and friends? How could I face them again without turning all the shades of pink and red in the color wheel?
I was going to try out this past weekend for a solo in the choral production of Handel's "Messiah" that I am participating in on the 28th.
But on the morning of the audition I stayed home.
Why?
Because, first and foremost, my husband had been sick and if he was contagious and I auditioned for the solo, made it, and then got sick myself, I would have had to back out last minute and leave someone else to frantically fill my shoes.
But more importantly, because I was afraid I would be told, "Sorry, but it's just not what we're looking for." If I've heard that once, I've heard it a hundred times. Those are the words that have immortalized my own personal failures.

So, it's a sad, vicious cycle; like a mouse on an exercise wheel that can't get off for fear of getting his leg caught in the space between the wheel and the bar and ending up with a mangled appendage.
It's like having an illness, getting the anecdote but then, realizing the anecdote causes cancer.

If it were an equation it would look something like this:
Success (good) = Change (not always good)
So, I don't even try. Which is kind of like failing:
Failure (not always bad) = Embarrassment (bad)

I'm paralyzed.
It seems the kickstand to the cycle would be to overcome my fear of embarrassment and ridicule.
Would that dissolve my fear of failure?
Most likely.
Cancer-free anecdote found.
Now, if only I could find the glass of bottled confidence to wash it down with.

*GASP!* She Knows!

Abby lost a tooth yesterday and this is the note I found on my pillow at bedtime:


*sniff*
Another one bites the proverbial "non-believer, too-grown-up-for-that, I-know-it's-you-mom" dust.

From Paris with Love!

Julia's 8th birthday party. We brought Paris to our house with pink and black colored festivities!

The invitations...





Tender Lemon Cake with Swiss Buttercream icing.
An array of pink goodies to choose from!

Jordan and Presley...

Sara and Carlee...

Pin the Poof on the Poodle!

And the winner is....Jordan Wood! She got it right on!!
And the birthday girl!

Julia and Presley...

Joyeux Anniversaire!

Making her wish...




Can't believe it's been 8 years since she graced my Manic Monday with her sweetness.
Love you, my little cuddle bug!

Oh, To Be a Child Again!

"How To Be a Valentine Girl" as explained by Julia Mason

While getting a head start on making Valentines for my daughter's class, Julia (my 1st grader) came and sat with me in my art studio chatting to me about her day at school. Since she's entered the first grade, she has become quite the Chatty Kathy and leaves no space for interjection from listeners. Eventually, after about 10 minutes, the conversation leads to an episode I will heretofore refer to as "Confessions of a First Grade Valentine Girl".
(The entire conversation is strictly Julia speaking. Believe it or not, this is the condensed version and I don't think she took a breath while she sat cross-legged with her chin propped on a dainty limp hand.)

"Sooo, mom...My friend, umm, she has, like this problem. And she asked me for help since I'm cute and stuff. She was like, 'How do you be a Valentine Girl if a boy asks you?' and I told her that she had to get up in the morning and brush her teeth really good so like her breath doesn't stink, then she had to pick out her clothes and a pretty jacket that matches and shoes that he will like because they like the pretty shoes that sparkle, then you have to brush your hair and like put a bow in it. It might be a good idea if your mom does your hair for you. And like then, you're ready to be a Valentine girl. And Carter and Wyatt, they ALWAYS chase me around the playground and I'm always like, Ugh! when will they quit chasing me? So, I run away screaming and try to hide but they still find me no matter how hard I try. (*At this point, I giggled under my breath.*) And so I asked them why they keep chasing me all the days at school and like, Wyatt said 'Because you're cute.' and I said I knowed that but why? And Carter and Wyatt, they keep asking me to marry them and I keep saying no, except for this one time I said yes because he like kept asking and I thought he maybe'd stop asking if I said yes, but he didn't. So, at lunch, Carter, he's the one I said yes to, like he comes and sits next to me and says 'Since you're going to marry me that means I get to put my arm around you.' and I said 'No! That's gross! Can't you just leave me alone?' and then he said, 'So, you're not going to marry me?' and I said 'No, like can't you read my mind?' "
(*I busted up into full belly laughter for a solid 2 minutes while Julia waited patiently, staring at her nails. Oh, Lord help me with this, my 3rd child...And have mercy on those poor boys' souls.*)

Press 1 for more Cheetos

You know those automated response systems that you get when you call certain numbers like the credit card company or any and all customer service lines?
They all sound the same with a monotone voice telling you to "Press 1 for this...Press 2 for that... Press 3 for nonsense...Press 4 for the run-around...Press 5 to shoot me...Press 6 to shoot yourself...or press 7 for more options that still won't answer your questions."
Well, I have a similar device mounted on my brain stem that is triggered by certain events...minus the "Press 7 for more options" option.

For instance, while driving the kids to school the other day I took a curve fast enough to persuade an old Cheetos chip to roll out from underneath the seat and reveal itself in all its hair and filth- covered glory. Garrett spotted it immediately and must have heard angels singing as he proclaimed,
"Awesome! A Cheeto!", as if the Cheetos gods had rained blessings down on my son's head.
My unfaltering, automatic, didn't-think-twice, duh! response:
"DON'T EAT IT!"

...because anyone with a 6 year old boy knows that if he had a split second more it would have vanished into the abyss that is a boy's digestive system.

One more plethora of mystery germs diverted!
And the world of Garrett is safe.......at least until the boy wakes up in the morning.

SHE'S HOME!!!

It's amazing how much being in your own environment can make you feel SO much better. There is something about being surrounded by things that are familiar and comforting to you that seems to make the troubles of the world just melt away.

As of about 9:30 this morning, they discharged Daphne from the hospital and she is already gaining more color in her face and her desire to eat has increased. She doesn't want much, a bite here or a nibble there, but it's something. Here is a photo of the aftermath of her surgery.


We cannot say thank you enough for all the letters, texts, Facebook posts, cards, emails, gifts and prayers that were sent our way. It truly did make all the difference in the world for her. The more her room filled with flowers and teddy bears, blankets and balloons, candy and magazines, letters and cards, the more she would smile and interact with us again. THANK YOU! You have no idea how much your thoughtfulness contributed to a faster recovery.

Maybe she'll be up to making dinner tonight? I'm pooped! ;)

And the Award goes to...!

It's 10:30 pm.
I'm at home with 3 children minus 1 daughter and a husband.

Don't worry, they're fine.
But I get Worst Mom of the Year Award.

Daphne got to feeling kind of sick after lunch on Tuesday and ended up throwing up in the movie theater that night. We rushed home and got her some pain and fever medicine, which she proceeded to immediately throw up, and then didn't sleep well that night.

We don't have a pediatrician or even a regular family doctor. NOR do we have insurance (a whole other blog topic in and of itself). We very rarely have to go to the doctor because my kids don't get sick that often and when they do it's not for long. I'm not a pill-popper and therefore, when my kids get sick I'm not the kind of mom that rushes out and gets a doctor to prescribe an antibiotic. I believe this is the main reason my children do not become ill, or at least will not be ill for very long, when most of the other children in their class are coming down with all kinds of ugly viruses that keep them down for days on end.

There is a terrible virus going around right now. People have described it as "violent". When Daphne complained all the next day of stomach cramps and was vomiting all day, I assumed it was "The Bug".
So, I didn't take her in (Nomination #1), even though when I asked her about her pains and symptoms they all pointed toward an appendicitis.
I blew it off (Nomination #2) and excused her pain with thoughts like... "My daughter wouldn't have an appendicitis if she has diarrhea, too" or "The pain wouldn't move around like she says it does if it was an appendicitis".

Yesterday, however, her fever broke and she began to feel better (classic sign of a ruptured appendix, by the way. Nomination #3!). She even got up and moved downstairs to watch TV with her siblings, but got sick upon the smell of popcorn and food and went back to bed shortly thereafter.

But this morning, when I forced her to get out of bed and walk around all hunched over, crying and in pain, to eat something, which she immediately threw up, (And the award goes to...!), I decided to take her in.

Daphne had her appendix rupture sometime yesterday (probably when her fever broke) and is in the hospital with Jonathan right now. The infection was mainly contained by the intestines which, oddly enough, folded themselves over the ruptured appendix and contained most of the leaking septic fluid. But because of this, she will probably have a longer recovery period as there was a considerable amount of pus that had hardened and was rotting.

"I'd like to thank myself for being able to achieve this award. It was because of me and me only that I have come this far. Just imagine, I wouldn't be here if I had listened to my gut instincts. I am only a few steps away from becoming the mom who gives her child a stick to bite down on and tells them to suck it up, it's only a broken femur!"
[Waves while exiting stage left.]

But really, the story isn't all bad. She did have a virus which ended up being a blessing in disguise. The virus gave her diarrhea which, had she not had, would have made the pain she was experiencing worse and made the complications with the ruptured appendix more severe. It was because she was able to pass stool around the blockage she already had that her complications did not become dangerous.

Daphne sits in the recovery room, anesthesia wearing off, with her dad watching some boring TV show that she will have no clue was even on by morning. She has a death grip on the cup of ice chips the nurse gave her and if you try to take it away from her she scowls at you. She wiggles her finger and stares at the red light on the finger pulse monitor that seems to mesmerize her. She answers the questions she feels like answering and no more. She's not in any pain right now.

She will be tomorrow.

But for now, here are some pictures of her in recovery.

(Discovering the light on her finger pulse monitor. lol!)

(She would tear up for no reason and when you'd ask if she was ok, she'd act like you were crazy for asking such a question. Poor thing!)
Ready to have you home, babe! See you in the morning!

Self-Portrait Jan. 7th

...but today I just want to be alone.

Self-Portrait Jan. 6th

New Year's Resolution Monitor

Self-Portrait Jan. 5th, 2010

After a hard days' work, chasing after kids, completing mundane chores, etc., I answer to the call of my comfy, cozy bed.

Another Obstacle Hurdled, Another Dream Realized!

In the past 5 or 6 years I've been on some crazy adventures.
My journey to become an EMT has been the craziest by far!
And I've loved every single heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushing second of it!
Here are some photos from my EMT Graduation Ceremony Jan. 9th, 2010.

Me and my nephew, Andrew.

Graduating 2nd in my class.

And here's to the dream of saving and making a difference in people's lives! All the hard work finally paid off.

Self-Portrait Jan. 4

I just can't help myself.
It's a struggle for me everyday.

Self-Portrait - Jan. 2nd

I have things to say, if I could only find the words.

Self-Portrait - Jan. 1st

January 1st. New Year. Just out of the shower, no make-up. No hair products. Still hiding behind the camera.

Surrounded - The Trilogy of a Tween-ager

This trio of photos was inspired by a conversation my tween-age daughter and I had the other day.

"Mom, am I fat?" she asked me.

I was stunned.

"No!" I stated adamantly

"All the girls at school say I'm fat and ugly and stupid."

As I watched the tears begin forming in her blue eyes, I searched for something to soothe her battered heart.

"The only opinions in this world that should matter to you is your Heavenly Father's and your dad and I's. We know you from the inside out and know you are full to the brim with beauty and intelligence. Anyone who doesn't see that, is only robbing themselves of a rare human being to have as a friend."

She hugged me.

And the knitting needles knitted tighter.

"There is fun to be done!" Dr. Seuss

Did you ever see the movie, The Bucket List? Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are each diagnosed with illnesses that will end their lives within the year. So, with nothing left to lose, they decide to jump into life with both feet and go on the ride of lifetime to fulfill their list of things to do before they "kick the bucket", so-to-speak. Well, I have my own bucket list that I plan to carry out in full throttle mode (not that I plan on dying any time soon).

Here goes:

1. I want to see the 7 Wonders of the Ancient and Medieval Worlds. This includes (click on each Wonder to be redirected to a picture of each one):
The Great Pyramid of Giza, The Statue of Zeus at Olympia, The Temple of Artemis, The Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria for the Ancient world and Stonehenge, The Colosseum, Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa, The Great Wall of China, The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing, Hagia Sophia and the Leaning Tower of Pisa for the Medieval World. I also want to see the other Wonders that have been added to these lists or made into their own list such as the Machu Picchu, The Taj Mahal, Victoria Falls, Aurora Borealis and Christ, The Redeemer.

2. I want to travel to these places (and others), if for nothing else fantastic photographic opportunities:

Ireland,



Scotland,


Sweden,




France,



Australia,




Italy,


and Africa...



3. Write a book about...something. I have plenty of life experiences to write a nonfiction novel and more than enough ideas running around in my cramped head to write a fiction novella of some kind. Who knows, maybe I could turn out to be the next J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer and have my book made into a few successful movies?

4. I want to open my own business. I have an idea that I think would go over well, even in Small Town, America. I want to put it into motion and see it thrive sometime after the kids have all grown and left the house.

5. To see my artwork in an exhibit or magazine or book of some kind.

6. Become fluent in 3 other languages, just for the heck of it. Sign Language, French, Italian, German, Dutch, Swedish, Hebrew, Mandarin, any of these or others.

7. Write my own song and have it recorded and released one day.

8. Play the lead in a local production.

9. Run a marathon.

10. Participate in a Ballroom Dancing competition.

11. Oktoberfest in Germany.

12. Discover my life's purpose.

13. Learn to be more in tune with nature, creatures and the earth. Feel their energy and aura.

14. Become a Multi-Millionaire and I will start simple, by putting a dollar away everyday then, adding new ideas as I go.

15. I will go back to my roots as a Princess and sleep in a castle one day. ;)

16. I will create a YouTube video or 2 this year.

17. Build a home that is mostly "Green."

18. Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. See the Ball drop in Time Square on New Year's Eve.

19. Take a self-portrait of myself everyday for a year to record and capture my personal feelings, moods, and physical changes.

20. Learn a new word everyday.

I trust that if you know me, you know that this list will only grow longer and more ambitious as the days and months and years pass, hence hendering me from ever truly accomplishing my list.
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." Helen Keller