Things My Children Have Taught Me

Never trust a grinning 3 year old when he says he didn't do it.

Milk can shoot out of your nose at the speed of light when you laugh, especially if you're lying on your back.

Lizard tails take a very long time to grow back. Cat tails don't...I mean, they don't grow back.

Toilets do not have the capacity to hold an entire roll of toilet paper in one flush. Toilets do not like the cardboard roll either.

Bathrooms are a small room and flood very quickly.

Always check the garbage disposal before you flip the switch. Always.

If it's clean you have less than 5 minutes to enjoy it that way. I suggest keeping a Spic & Span Scrapbook. Immediately after you have cleaned a room take a picture of it and add it to your book. Keep it by the front door and hand it to your visitors upon greeting them.

When on the phone it is wise to learn to talk very fast, much like college shorthand and all in one breath. (i.e.: "Susie, still alive, miss you, hope you're well, get together soon. Bye!"). Better yet, text.

There is more water and ice in the fridge than you think, trust me.

When a gallon of milk is dropped and explodes it now becomes 50 gallons and will take every towel in your house to clean up.

Even the tiniest fragment left on the floor, such as a gameboard piece, will turn into a missile when accidentally vacuumed up and can leave a substantially large hole in your wall, completely knock out the family pet or sever a limb.

If you have more than 2 children and you venture out into public with them expect to lose your temper. If you choose to spank in public, like me, realize that you will have spectators. Those onlookers will call CPS on you. However, I am working on a solution that will most likely prevent some of this trouble for us. It's called the "Child Muzzle" and the patent is pending.

Once your child hits the age of about 2 you will never be able to visit the restroom alone. Also, expect questions.

Crayons, markers and pens show up on all colors of walls. I suggest going with a neutral color that hides these markings, such as black.

When you, and believe me you will, find hand and/or foot prints on the ceiling - DO NOT ASK. Believe me, you do not want to know how they got there.

Even a light-as-a- feather foam ball will knock over the family heirloom vase your grandmother gave you if thrown correctly. And somehow, children always know how to throw it correctly. TIP: Do not ask "How in the world did this happen?!" They WILL show you.

When telling your child to "come here" for a punishment, expect them to run. It is an instictual reaction of survival in children under the age of 8. Do not underestimate the speed of a bare-footed toddler. They have internal turbo buttons. A thin layer of vegetable oil on your hardwood floors will eliminate this problem completely.

Never ever say something in front of any child that you do not wish repeated. Again, here is another great scenario where the "Child Muzzle" will come in handy.

Expect to grow to hate one word in the english language - "Why?".

The TV is no longer an electronic device you have the priviledge of using. Finding a hobby such as carpentry or pottery will benefit you here.

Every question your child asks deserves a prompt, nip-it-in-the-bud answer. Ignoring such questions as "Why do you have hair there?", "Why is that lady's baby-feeders bigger than yours?", and "What is that kitty doing to Whiskers?" will only result in your child getting annoyed at having to repeat themselves at several decibals louder than a sonic boom.

Always supervise what your child takes to Show & Tell. There is no exception to this rule. Going to school with him/her on this "special" day is crucial, so you can clear up any confusion your classroom may encounter.

For obvious reasons, it is best not to teach your children the anatomically correct words for their personal parts until after the age of 25.