Musings of a Modern Mom: Free-for-All Friday

For the Love of a Child...

If you've followed my blog for the past month, and read my Tuesday Transcriber postings, and you didn't know me, you'd most likely think I was a dark, depressed individual. Heck, even if you do know me, you might begin to worry about my mental health status.
I'll admit, it's been a rough few months.
We lost a baby through a private adoption fail! We only had the little sweetheart for about 72 hours but the sever was traumatizing, not only because I was having to give a child back (whom I was told was going to be MINE for 7 solid months before we even got her), but because of how it went down. It was beyond odd and soap opera-ish and I'm not going to delve into it with anyone.
It's over.
It's behind me.
However, it still hurts and haunts.
But that story and it's outcome does not define who I am. It does not stop me from being me and expressing myself and my opinions.
In fact, I learned a lot about me and my capabilities.
We've known for several years we wanted to adopt. We wanted a big family originally, but I was only (ha! only) able to have 4 children before the doctor said it was taking a toll on me to carry them. Plus, I had terrible PPD. So, the option of adopting came into light, but was fleeting. Because in all reality, I wasn't sure I could love, I mean truly love, a child that I had not bonded with through pregnancy and birth. It scared me because I knew that wasn't fair to that child and I just didn't think I had it in me.

It is amazingly mind-boggling what a person is capable of once you turn your plans, your ideas, your struggles, your pride, over to God.
It wasn't until I had a very vivid dream one night that I realized there was a plan for us and it included adoption. I won't describe the dream here because it would take up way too much cyber-land, but I will say this - it was the most vivid, colorful, happy dream I have ever had in all my years of slumber. I had a young artist paint the most predominant part of the dream, which was a huge Oak tree filled with bright colorful silk fabrics hanging from it. I came to realize those fabrics represented children in need of a home, a forever family. A purple silk was wrapped around me and I knew we had one of those sweet angels coming to us soon. We began the paper work and classes and became approved as an adoptive family in Jan. 2010.
[Fast forward to Jan. 2012]
(Once again, I stalled us from adopting because my fear of the unknown got in the way. A entire year slipped by before... )

We received a phone call that proved not only urgent but life-altering.
The case worker on the other end of the line said "newborn", "desperate need of a home", "Can you?"
My heart froze.
I asked if I could talk it over with my husband, hung up the phone and the next thing I know I heard the word, "Yes" come out of my mouth into my cellphone.
I figured it would be a couple weeks before we actually got the baby so, I was preparing myself mentally and emotionally for a newborn. In about 12 hours I received another phone call stating that the baby would arrive the very next day.
Needless to say, my anxiety levels sky-rocketed. I rushed out to buy all things baby that we no longer had anything of (considering our youngest now was 8!)
It came time to pick the baby up from DHS.
It was a Wednesday.
It was cold.
We were met by several ladies oo-ing and aw-ing over how cute this little bundle was in the back with the case worker.
I shivered slightly. And I wasn't sure if it was because I was cold or nervous, quite honestly.
We were led back to a small room and there, in the arms of our case worker, were the tiniest little face and hands I had seen in a long time, nestled into a soft blue blanket.
And I knew.
He was mine. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Now, I was still nervous, but no longer because I was afraid of not being fair to this child with my love and attention, but because I was afraid I had forgotten how to raise a baby. lol
But mainly, I was afraid that I was going to spoil this child rotten!!
But that is not the case. Not at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite turn of events - he has spoiled us!
We've had Newman since he was 3 weeks old. He's now 14 months old and so very much a part of me that if anything were to happen to prevent us from finalizing the adoption, I'm really not certain my heart could handle the loss.
It kills me, every day, waiting for the court date so I don't have to worry about anything coming between me and my sweet baby boy.
I've not been able to post a single adorable picture or sweet, funny video of his antics since we got him because that would be a violation of his rights, until he is finally ours. I understand that and don't dispute it one bit....but I'm so anxious!!! I want the world to see him at his brightest, with us, in his forever family.
But patience is not my strongest virtue.
I guess I'm getting some practice in for whatever God has in store for me in the future.
*sigh*
So, I'll keep waiting.
I have kept a journal for him from the day we first got him and have posted important events and milestones in it for his curiosity and reading pleasure later on down the road. On the second page I have written down the lyrics to a song I feel describes my feelings for him perfectly...

"A Thousand Years"

by Christina Perri

Heart beats fast,

Colors and promises.

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.
One step closer.
I have died everyday

waiting for you.

Darling don't be afraid,