(My) Once Upon a Time...
My day begins. The time of overthrowing villainous tyrants, wrangling snaggle-toothed monsters and conquering the world is at hand. Today - I make my own destiny (and my bed, if time allows).
As I sit up in bed and stretch, opening my sleepy eyes to the morning, a sight comes into focus. Mounds of blankets on the floor to either side of my bed, and one very large one in my bed next to me, are slowly stirring and I see 2 tiny clawed toes sticking out of one of the blankets on the floor and tufts of ratted hair poking out of another. From underneath both of those, I hear heavy breathing and low, throaty, growling sounds.
I am surrounded.
I slide off the bed and tip-toe ever so carefully around the slumbering creatures only to discover another one at the foot of my bed. This one is drooling and growling louder than the first. It seems safe to walk over as this one appears to be hopelessly tangled in the blankets and is half stuffed under my bed. This is one heck of a land mine and I must tread lightly so as not to wake the beasts. If only I could figure out why they infiltrated so voraciously in the night.
Manuervering my way through the treacherous swamplands, I manage to make it to my bathroom and brush my teeth without disturbing the creatures in the other room, although they are stirring more frequently now. One snorted. Forget changing out of my pjs and into my suit of armour this morning or doing my hair or make-up. And the loo is definitely out of the question, all too risky. This maiden will be working on her iron bladder skills. Maybe not all hope is lost...there is another bathroom down the hall.
Peering out into the hallway, I am dismayed. The light in my oldest creature's lair is on and there is movement in the shadows. There is no evading her. She has eyes and ears that can sense my presence from miles away. In order to pass her territory I must offer a sacrifice - usually a pair of shoes or a cute shirt will work in satisfying her insatiable demands.
Today, as I pass, she is sifting through the ruins that is her closet, most of which now makes up the floor of her cave. I try to slide by undetected, but am betrayed by a faulty floorboard.
"Mom! You're up, good! I need to borrow a purse."
I gulp. "Which one?"
"I was thinking the new one you just got from Coach." she says looking at her freshly filed claws.
"No! Not that one! Anything but that one, I beg of you!" I plead on my knees.
In the end, it is a small price to pay to use the restroom without waking up the little monsters in my room. I spent the next hour tip-toeing as quietly as a mouse disarming booby traps around the house. Some of the most disarming I've seen include, tiny Lego pieces which can leave a hero limping for days; tiny rolling things which can send a person crashing to their doom; or the worst of them - a secret barrier behind passageway doors that, like a cannon, shoot the door directly back at the unsuspecting individual and leave them wondering what happened when they wake up on the floor with a nasty knot of their forehead.
And so begins the first quest of my day. I must prepare myself for battle. It will be mostly friendly fire but nonetheless - I must prepare for the worst. Since I have not had the chance to make it to the maiden's chambers, I am still in my night clothes, and for this Iam thankful. I don a long apron as my breastplate, a large rag as a shield and several eating utensils as my weapons of choice for this war. Let the war begin...
The first blow is served by, none other than, the most dashing creature, my oldest son. He and his older sister apparently finished supping at the same time to which they raced to the sink. The girl creature won, much to the dismay of my man-creature, who proceeded to wrestle her to the ground, sit on her face and, shall we say, release built up pressure from his bowels.
"MOOOOOOMMMM!! Make him get off of me!" come her muffled screams. "It stinks so bad!!" she says gagging. The man-creature giggles. Looks like it's time for my first retaliation. Commence Evil-Eye Stare! The day may still be young, but my magic powers are thoroughly warmed up and the man-creature obeys my wordless order, retreating without further incident. The girl creature gasps and the green color begins to leave her face.
Scanning the battlefield, I spot the most docile of the creatures, my middle child, although you'd never know this fact by the gruesome mess that is her dismembered breakfast. The toast has been severely scorched and I don't expect it to make a full recovery. The butter has obvious schrapnel wounds, but will pull through. The jelly on the other hand, has been cut to bits and is bleeding out all over the table.
Despite the gore described, there seems to be minimal damage. I breathe a sigh of relief and, like a foolish unlearned warrior, let my gaurd down just a little.
*SPLAT!*
I'm hit! Luckily, 'tis a minor flesh wound. I look around at the suspects only to find giggling monsters all pointing in the same direction.
The tiny Prince sits in his high throne with a severed piece of granola bar in hand and a grin on his lips.
Surveying the land sends me on Quest #2, and may require the use of a little magic persuasion: Wrangle creatures to get castle as clean as possible (and keep it that way for as long as possible). It's a daunting task but, it must be faced. Otherwise, our world would be overrun by the Underdwellers, scavenging little 6-legged creatures that can overthrow even the most guarded of castles.
And yet, divvying up chores proves to be even more counter-productive than washing dishes in dirty bath water.
"But, Moooomm. I'm supposed to meet my friends in a few minutes", moans the teenage creature. This is the self-same creature I encountered earlier. She has finally emerged from the bathroom I sacrificed a precious item for just an hour earlier. "Can't we do this later when I get back?" she bargains.
"Well, when will that be?" I indulge her with a tone of negotiation, much to the merriment of the other creatures. With a bit of playing field now, I'm much more confident in my negotiations with her this go round.
"That's the thing, I was going to ask you if I could spend the night." she smiles, hopefully.
"Oh, well in that case - no", and I handed her the broom. Teenage creature exhales rather loudly for such an early hour of the day. I look at her and mouth the word "Coach" to her. She begins sweeping diligently.
"Mom?" comes the voice of my man-creature. "Aren't I too small for chores?" he asks with a look of hope twinkling in his eye, eyebrows raised.
The irritation in my voice in rising. "No! In fact, in my experience, he who is of smaller stature produces more filth and therefore, must removie it vigorously." Man-creature, kicks his foot at what I can only assume was an invisible imp.
With chores endowed upon the lot of them, the work begins. However, most of the time this consists of most of the little monsters doing chores that undo someone else's chore and me struggling to keep up while coming along and picking up the pieces. I begin to wonder why I didn't just disperse them into the world and clean by myself, because essentially, this is my work x2.
It's not long before my little creatures begin to morph into tyranical little toads like some evil spell had been cast upon them. Gnashing teeth and clawing was not to be unheard of. I was no stranger to this plague. The cure, thank goodness, was easily attainable. I would have to use one of my counter-spells.
"STOP!" I shout with both arms raised to the sky. As I eyeballed the lot of them, I saw wide-eyed monsters gnawing calves and tiny fingers interwined in tangled, matted ponytails. Slobber dribbled from the corner of one's mouth. The stare I gave was bold, authoritative. I was gaining my ground, my position, back in the land.
"This will cease or so help me, you are all doomed to a life of endless despair, locked away from the outside world until your insides have rotted!"
It is at this precise moment that the moral of our story reveals itself. For in walks the man-creature, muddied from head to toe. He has just come back from his obviously perilous garbage-dumping journey. He is being as brave as a little dashing monster can be and fighting fiercely against the tears pooling in his eyes. The dewey-eyed Prince looks at his brother and shakes his head 'no' as he seems to unwittingly know this is the absolute worst moment in time to have arrived in this state of being.
The revelation dawns on me like a sunrise on Mercury. Apparently, it rained last night, (and from the looks of my little man-creature, it was a torrential downpour that I'm surprised didn't carry us all off into oblivion), which is why the creatures made their camp in my bed chambers.
"I...*sniffle*, I fell in the mud and now I'm all filthy in our clean house" his little voice cracks under the pressure of his emotions.
I let my once majestic and authoritarian hands fall to my humble sides. The man-creature turns to go bathe leaving a trail of fresh muddled footprints on the Pine-fresh floors. A disagreeable objection comes from one of the other creatures, the one I'm assuming did the mopping.
"Wait." I interject pleadingly and walk to him, kneeling by his side. The tear is dangling by a lone eyelash but holding fast. I wipe it away with my thumb. "I think I may have been a bit confused on my earlier words of wisdom."
"Really? *sniffle* How?" he asks sheepishly, still not looking me in the eye.
"What I meant to say was 'he who is of smaller stature produces the most cuteness and therefore...(dramatic pause for effect)....must be tickle-tortured!"
A roar arises from the lot of the creatures, my beautiful little monsters, and they all quickly join in laughing and giggling and smiling gleefully.
And we all lived (and learned) happily ever after.
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