CLICK HERE FOR BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND MYSPACE LAYOUTS »

Monday, January 18, 2016

These are My Monsters...

In the wake of the passing of David Bowie, I found this quote of his that sprung out at me like a Jack-in-the-box on a mammoth dose of meth:


This is significant to me because I just recently landed the lead role of Maggie in a community production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I am beyond ecstatic to be playing such a dynamic female role on stage! That being said, I should also declare that I haven't been on the stage in almost 20 years.
And that terrifies me.
So, it's a leap into the deepest end of the biggest Perturbation Pool I can find.

Yet, I am no stranger to anxiety. I have dealt with it for as long as I can remember; always doing things people tell me to so I can "deal with" it, (I should mention that these people, albeit are well-meaning, have no idea what anxiety really is and how debilitating it can be at its roughest). These things usually include, but have never been limited to: 

"Take deep breaths" 
(The anxiety does enough of that for me).
"Try thinking more positively"
(Ok. I'm positive I'm having an anxiety attack right now and there's nothing you can do to stop it!!!).
"I heard counting backwards from 10 helps with that sort of thing"
(It's also supposed to be a tip off as to whether you're drunk or not so...)
"Try redirecting your thoughts"
(I'm assuming you mean into more meaningful topics, rather than my impending doom?).
"Turn to your spiritual/religious leaders"
(You obviously don't know me well enough to know there's a constant silent prayer in my heart forever trying to ward off these episodes).
"What you need is a good old-fashioned pep talk" 
(No, thank you. I don't need a proverbial egotistical smoothie choked down my throat).
"Look at all your past and present accomplishments"
(Yes, because those never brought me any anxiety either).
"Don't drink caffeine" 
(As if I'm not high-strung enough that I need caffeine to get me through the day).
"Maybe you need medication?" 
(Thought of that, thanks).
"Get more sleep" 
(I'll get right on that. Right, after my brain reminds me of all the things I didn't accomplish today).
"Just accept that you can't control everything/you can't be perfect at everything"
(This is so ironic, it hurts).
"What you need is a night out/a good laugh"
(And have everyone else fawn over and pity me?)
"You need to find out what triggers these attacks and avoid them" 
(Hmmm, then, I guess I'll just crawl into my hidey hole and die because one day it's the stage that causes these attacks, another day it's my work, and any other day it could be the fact that I screwed something up last year).
*sigh*

As a child, I went through a traumatic event that left me damaged emotionally.
However, it also made me a stronger individual, and consequently, a stronger woman.
Those are the positives I have been able to mold from the ashes of that situation.
It still left me scarred, no matter how I choose to look at and react to it.
I don't trust as readily as most.
I question motives.
I am a loner (yes, I'm an introvert, despite the fact that I am also rather outgoing).
In reality, I'm simply a people-pleaser.
I imagine the worst first.
I'm a perfectionist - leaving little to no room for error in even the most mundane activities, so that the worst (see above) cannot happen.
I doubt myself and my abilities but, oddly enough, never my capabilities.
(Abilities being my possession of certain talents and skills. Capabilities being the extent of those talents or skills). 

Every day, I must choose to not let that event affect my life or my daily activities. In fact, I've done a significant amount of self-motivated personal transformation so that I would not hinder anyone else in the wake of my struggle. This was more difficult than it sounds. 

In reality, it could be compared to patching a parachute with scotch tape while plummeting to earth in a death spiral of tangled cords...
not impossible, but certainly necessitating an utter feeling of urgency...or else, well, the worst.

I can't, for the life of me, remember what I was searching for when I stumbled across these images drawn by artist Toby Allen that depict different disorders and hindrances as mythical monsters. These monsters are given characteristics that, if they walked among you today, would be the epitome of the trials we face every day with our different demons perched on our shoulders. Although, the monsters are mythical, the struggles are anything but.
Some of us have more of these monsters lurking around the dark corners of our minds than others.
These are my monsters...
(click on the pictures to enlarge and read).


My attacker lent me this monster back in my childhood. However, I tamed my beast long ago and buried him alive along with the anger and paranoia he always seemed to bring with him. 

This little guy packs quite the punch when he comes out to play. As debilitating as it is to deal with, there is relief. 
Once I step onto the stage to perform, there's no turning back. So, the fear subsides. 
Once the party I planned is underway, it's all good. 
Once the company we are having over for dinner arrives and begins to mingle, I'm fine. 
But up until those moments, it's complete and utter torture. Sweating, nausea, shaking, dizzy spells because I'm hyperventilating, heart palpitations and racing heartbeat, the headache that forms at the base of my neck and creeps up to my temples, racing thoughts of failure and what-if's, all poke and prod at the psyche leaving it bruised and exhausted before the show even begins. 
The irony of it all is that as much as it scares me to be on stage singing, acting, dancing, giving a speech, whatever - it scares me 10x more to think that no one will show up at all.
In my own personal world of absurdly ironic struggles and quandaries, I'd rather you see me try my hardest and fail than for you to fail to see me try my hardest. 
Don't fear my failure for me. I do enough of that for the both of us. 

This usually accompanies the anxiety. Once I've had an attack, even a minor one, it takes quite a while to climb off the emotional roller coaster of it. The racing thoughts are usually the last to leave the little party in my head, overstaying their self-invited welcome by several hours. 

 I can at least say I only suffer with this little bugger on rare occasions. But its effects last for days because of the rest it stole from me for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes, I've looked at the clock and it's 3 a.m. and though I'm beyond exhausted, my eyelids as heavy as manhole covers, sleep does not visit me. This spirals into feeling so fatigued the next day that I get nothing done around the house or I'm so tired I screw something up at work. These instances almost always trigger mini anxiety attacks that are usually self-contained with a little logical thinking about the sleep I lost. 
  

In my years of coming to realize that I suffer with anxiety (for a long while I was in denial - trying too hard to keep up my fractured facade) I have also come to terms with the fact that this sad creature lives inside me as well. For the last few years I have been able to keep him at bay, although he pokes his head out every now and then (usually during a mini panic attack). I give him a good cry or cursing out to tide him over for a while and have thus far been successful in his hibernation.
However, there is no telling when he may come bursting out at the same time as one of the other monsters and collide in an all out war over territory.

As a busy mom, a wife, an individual with hobbies that I rather enjoy and would like to continue pursuing, I decided to do the unthinkable.
(Clarification: "Unthinkable" for some).

I
got
a
pill.

*GASP!*

That's right. I got help from a medical professional.
I was not deemed mentally unstable.
It was not jotted down in a little notebook that I was "crazy". 
The doctor didn't give me a look over his glasses that discounted everything I had just confessed to him about what I go through.
No.
He told me 50% more women than men experience anxiety.
Only about 1/3 of the population that suffers with anxiety actually gets treated (I, myself, almost didn't go because of the different fears I experienced just imagining having to tell the doctor about my anxiety. Go figure!).
 Although, I will never be cured from my PTSD, anxiety, depression and maybe not even my sleep disorders, I found a way to coexist.
I took control.
These are my monsters. 
I claim them.

They do not claim me. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Modern with a vintage twist Baby Shower design

Thankful and Blessed framed chalkboard print. Vintage glass bottle wrapped in burlap and rhinestones with vintage gloves and baby shoes. Handmade "Mom-to-be" keepsake pin.


Food table. White rosette pom bird. Mustard gold and cream polka dot fabric tablecloth. White serving dishes. 


Gift table. Fuchsia wall drape with turquoise table runner, blue Mason jars with fuchsia flowers. Vintage oval frame and gold letter E monogram. Orange and fuchsia paper lanterns.


Hand-lettered chalkboard with baby's name. 


Baby's nickname, "Junebug", for the banner. Made from muslin pennants, twine and gold tissue paper tassels.

Beautiful mommy-to-be. 


Gorgeous cupcakes and cake!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

5 Tips for FABULOUS Autumn Family Photos

It's that time of year again - that wonderfully magical time when the leaves start turning brilliant colors of the spectrum and gracefully falling to the earth by the droves. The air is crisp and just slightly damp. You can drive with no air on, just the windows down in your vehicle.
But, most importantly, it's time for family photos!!
Pictures of smiling kids all in coordinating clothes perfectly matched with their parents attire complete with hats and scarves. And of course, everyone is smiling genuinely while playing in a field of golden and amber leaves.
.......
What delusional island do YOU live on?! Please! To capture family photo like the one described above the photographer would obviously have had to drug the entire family with some kind of narcotic just to get them all looking in the same direction, let alone smiling at the same time.

But, I get it, you want to know how to get that photo...that one. prize. photo for posterity's sake. (Don't we all).
Well, let's do this! Where there is a will, there is a way.

Color Coordinating
This is the most difficult decision to be made of the entire event and, depending on your family size, can be the most costly. There are several things to consider in choosing your wardrobe. First of all, and most importantly, everyone. must. coordinate (not necessarily match - there IS a difference). Not only does it make for a more pleasing photograph to view, it looks more tasteful. It is worth every extra minute spent diligently searching for that one shirt in just the right color or skirt with just the right pattern to pull off the look you are wanting. (Plus, everyone gets new duds out of the deal which is just more incentive for them to suck it up and get it over with!)
Something else to consider that you may not have thought of is where in your home to plan on displaying this photo? You want the clothes in your picture to compliment the most prominent color in that room. Otherwise, it will get lost and looked over. Are you planning to give it as a gift? You need to consider this same concept for the receiver's space. The easiest and most convenient colors are most often neutrals paired with a darker neutral such as the classic-never-out-of-style white with denim or khaki pants (and this has so many cool modern twists to it now!). Also, try to stick with 2 or 3 main colors with 1 accent color/metal. For example, if you've chosen white, cream and ivory shirts with grey pants, skirts and shorts, don't have a lone child in a yellow vest, unless yellow is your accent color and everyone else is wearing just a touch of it (headband, flower pin, etc). Otherwise, your family and their beautiful faces get lost in a sea of color. The only exception, I personally have found, to this rule is pastels. You can pick as many coordinating pastels as you want and it seems to turn out well every time. As far as patterns go, beware! It's easy to go overboard here. It's best to pick the child(ren) to wear a pattern. If you have one child wear floral, one wear a coordinating striped coat and everyone else in solids, this is perfectly acceptable.
But above all else - DO. NOT. wear all black! It's dreary. It's dark. And it ends up making you all look like a bunch of floating heads.

Consider this photo. Although it's a good shot, they look like they just came from a funeral in this attire and their torsos get mingled in the sea of black and all you see is heads, upon heads, upon...well, you get the idea. There's no dimension!

For inspiration on color schemes visit http://design-seeds.com/
For inspiration on outfit ideas or to create your own for future reference visit http://www.polyvore.com/

Glitz and Glam
Don't be shy here! If your daughter has a favorite headband, your husband a favorite bowtie and you a favorite pair of dangly earrings, wear them! This moment in time is a time to capture YOU and your unique family. What a perfect way to flash a bit of your family's personal style into the picture then by adding some of your favorite things? It adds pizzazz and dimension, an extra element of interest for the eye to observe. And don't forget the family pet(s)!

Indoor or Outdoor, That is the Quandary
This is tricky. The outdoors during the Fall is simply majestic and breath-taking and most photographers live for this time of year simply for the festive display of color outside. Make sure to have a Plan B: Too cold outside? Raining? Blustery? Allergies giving your eyes fits?
It's. OK!
Most professional photographers plan ahead for instances like this and will work with you to make your Plan B just as agreeable as your original plan, should you choose to give it the axe.
Nowadays, there are so many cool backdrops that studio photographers can get and the props to get ahold of are endless! Consider having the photographer come to your home where your kids will feel more at ease and relaxed and more likely to smile genuinely (rather than looking like their best friend from Pre-K drew their smile on for them).

Props
Props add another element of interest to the photo. Make sure they aren't the entire focus, however! If you've decided to take photos outside this Autumn, a vintage basket of red and green apples or sunflowers dumped over to one side is the perfect accent. But be wise in these prop layers. If you're sitting on a long bench as a family and have hay bales in the background with the basket of apples and a pile of leaves at your feet and the family is holding a frame to frame their faces in front of a field of sunflowers - it's overkill.

Be Yourselves
It's natural to want (no, more like covet) that one perfect shot for your family. But let's be honest, that is relative. It all depends on how you look at it. It may not be the one where everyone is smiling perfectly and sitting up straight, curls and collars all primped and pinned. It may be the outtake of your daughter crossing her eyes in exasperation or the one of your husband desperately trying to keep Fido's tongue off the baby's face. My absolute favorite family photo didn't have my favorite facial expressions or hair position or clothing tucked in just right. However, it is my favorite because my son is giving a thumbs up, which shows off the complete epicness of his feeling for our little family!


This is an example of the perfect (indoor) family photo. Everyone coordinates but is not matchy-matchy. There is texture all over - in the ruffles of the babies' skirts, the feathers on big sister's skirt, the lace on the oldest sister's jacket, dad's bowtie and brother's glasses. The family pet is even included in the one cool prop.


And BONUS! Here is a cool printable (FREE, of course!) for organizing, coordinating and budgeting your family photos (as we know these precious memories can tend to eat a substantial chunk of a tight budget this time of year).
http://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/Becca-101-Family-Picture-Printable.pdf

I hope these few tips help to ease your anxiety and answer your questions when it comes to this year's photo shoot. And by they way, maybe that delusional island isn't such a long and treacherous journey to get to after all!
Good luck and HAVE FUN!!
XOXO,
Carissa

Friday, August 2, 2013

We've all had those moments, days, weeks, months, maybe years where we've felt alone. Whether it's having an illness that no one really truly can connect your struggles and pains with (although they sincerely try). Or if we've suffered from a bout of depression where no matter how hard we try to can connect with the outside world we still feel isolated on the deepest level imaginable. Or maybe it's just not feeling like you're being understood for a moment in time by friends or family and feel just a bit disconnected. Perhaps, it's the loss of a person close to us that leaves that deepest of empty feelings? There are so many moments like these some tiny, some gargantuan in our lives. This piece is a sympathizing one on all these aspects (inspired by a dear friend of mine being as brave as ever through her own personal struggles). 

"Sick Bed"
It is not what is said
but words left homeless
that inhabit the crooked crags of my heart.
Drowning in a dark bitter dread
of a life of time-less
study and wishing for mine to start.
Alone in the world I'm lead
but never companion-less.
Yet, here still am I left to fall apart.
And in my head
I'm smiling nonetheless;
a face that frowning smiles is an abstract art.
Where to be lead?
Away to convalesce
and leave you to tell the two apart.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

From Drab to Fab on a budget

Historic building in downtown Durant that was doomed to be condemned
 has now got a new lease on life!  
 
Entryway
 
Kitchen

Old wooden sign from the original Main Street Cafe bought at a local garage sale for $20. 
 
Custom cabinets and black onyx granite. The color on the cabinets is Balsam. The island was a one of a kind find in Canton, Tx.
 
The stone wall was originally all brick which, unfortunately, couldn't be saved due to major deterioration. I loved the contrast of the rough textured walls against the softness of the light kitchen cabinets so we opted for an old world stone.

The masterbedroom.  
 
Our favorite old lady, Miss Madge in her favorite spot in the entire apartment.
 
I love soft romantic mood lighting for a bedroom and table lamps and can lights just can't acheive that. So, I had these beautiful one-light chandeliers installed as an option for more low key lighting. They give off a soft light with magnificent shadows along the walls and ceiling. Just what I was looking for!

A bathroom has to look clean and sleek for me to feel comfortable in it and white everywhere screams "clean and posh". The contrast with the dark chestnut doors just adds to the drama of the whole apartment. 
 
I am a reflective person and so it only seemed appropriate to display my collection of garage-sale mirrors in my bathroom where I'm getting ready for the day. Looking myself in the mirror for an hour or so during my morning routine of make-up, hair, etc, symbollically allows me to reflect upon who I am and what I need to be for others today.
 
 
A collage of old frames, again collected from garage sales, frame up some of our family photos and moto.

My sons' room is everything I hoped it would turn out to be and more. I look at my sons and wonder what wild adventures they will run into today, tomorrow and when they're grown and it's a bittersweet thought. I hope they run to see the world one day and are a hero to many. I hired a young artist, Jesse Ellsworth, to paint a map on his entire wall with the quote from Hellen Keller, "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." I hope that inspires them to live life to the fullest without compromising their morals and standards. 
 
A collection of vintage license plates from all over the country frame up the doorway to the boys' bathroom.
 
My 2 youngest daughter's room.

 

My art studio is my sanctuary. This is where I come to get away from the world and release my stress and creative desires into my work.
 
There is so much natural light in this apartment that most of the time the lights in the house stay off. I love the feel of the airy texture from the windows on the yogurt-colored walls of my art studio and adjoining living room.  
 
 
My little knick-knack corner where I keep my unique finds that have been orphaned over time from flea markets, garage sales and antique shops.
 
I repurposed an old pair of child ballet slippers into a fun inspirational piece using old lace, earring clips, cardstock and glitter. (Inspiration found on Pinterest).

Throughout the entire loft the ceiling are 12 feet high giving plenty of head room and making the space feel even more open and inviting.
 


 
 

I hope you enjoyed the tour through our pride and joy. This has definitely been a labor of love and we are so happy to say one of Downtown Durant's finest historic buildings has a fresh start with lots of years to create even more historic memories.
XOXO,
C



Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Wordless Wednesday


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Tuesday Transcriber

"The Haunting"

I know you're there -
the hair on my neck makes me aware.
Invisible atmosphere you dare not share
surrounds you everywhere.
Never a word you say,
as the daylight fades
and seems to stray from your face,
and you remain elusive as always.
You love me from afar
even with all my scars,
as bizarre as they are,
and I am forever your shining star.
But what is it you really want?
A nonchalant jaunt you taunt
and with imaginary courage flaunt
at me your face that still haunts.
I long for a touch-
so much; maybe too much?
The lost sensation is a crutch
to which I willingly clutch.
Dare I search in the dark
for a hidden mark,
a spark in this amusement park
on which I wittingly embark?
Would I find you there?
Or just feel your stare
in the air of your recumbent lair,
and remain to stay your memory's heir?

Related Posts with Thumbnails