Friday, May 7, 2010

Delusional Valley: Revisited

Do you remember a while back I wrote about this guy?
Well, he apparently found his way back out of the Valley and came for another visit with us normal folk.

Picture it: I'm standing in the deli ordering lunch meat for tonight's hoagie bar. And you know when you get that feeling that you're being watched or followed? Well, I turn to see if someone was standing behind me breathing down my neck and drooling or staring at me from across the produce section.
No one stood out to me.
So, I grab the bagged meat and turn to go.
When, lo and behold, there stands not 6 inches from me 40-ish Year Old Overweight Creepy Bearded Man. (Although, I didn't recognize him right off, but I knew he looked familiar to me.)
I nearly jump out of my skin because he startled me so, and decided he was the one who gave me the watched feeling I had and must have used his stealthy Chick Pick-up Jet 3000 to zip himself over to me unnoticed like he did. Either that or he borrowed Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.
"Excuse me," he stops me with a finger pointed on his chin and a look of confusion and I can already tell he's going to ask me some lame question, probably about how to pick the best melons...
"But can you tell me what Bavarian-filled Bismarks are?"
I pause, partly because I'm grateful he didn't ask about melons and partly because I haven't a clue as to what those stupid things are.
"Umm, no, I'm sorry I can't."
I look over my shoulder for an escape route.
"Well, " he begins again and motions to a white bakery box in his buggy, "I just wondered. I'm actually looking for something strawberry-filled, but I'm not sure I've got the right thing here."
I peek from a distance in the clear window of the box and notice that they were donuts, obviously cream-filled of some kind, and completely drenched in an artery-clogging glaze.
"They look good, [gagging] but I'm sorry, I don't know what they are filled with." I smile and start making my towards the frozen foods as I had this uncontrollable urge to start putting things I didn't need in my buggy.
"Well, thank you anyway", he says and I get a few steps away.
[*sigh* Home-free!]
"By the way...",
(crap!...Crap! Crap!! CRAP!!!), he continues..."You sure are cute."
That's the moment it hit me. I knew him, alright. This was the same man who tried to pick me up in the chip aisle a few months back!
I couldn't believe it. What are the odds of the same dude using the same cheesy pick-up lines on the same girl in the same grocery store and getting the same sad rejection? Apparently for this guy, the odds are pretty high. How could they not be? He probably uses his Fridays to scope out the grocery stores and find a way to use the same line on a different girl in every aisle!
So, it stands to reason that I knew exactly what was coming out of his mouth next...
"I'm single by the way," he states as he clumsily tries to lean on his buggy handle, elbow slipping off once, then, trying to recover, smiles devilishly at me.
By this time, every other man within earshot of our conversation has groaned to himself, is hanging streamers for the pity party they are throwing for the guy, or is taking notes on what not to do to pick up a girl in the produce aisle.
Unfortunately, I can't think of anything else to say but the predictable give-my-identity-away-and-embarrass-this-dude answer,
"Well, I'm not!"
I saw every light in the attic come on for him as he exclaims, "Ah!" and straightens his posture booking it to the nearest exit.
I almost felt sorry for him and I might have even given him a few pointers on how to use those pick up lines more efficiently if he didn't just completely wig me out. Seriously, just hearing his voice in my head makes my spine tingle.
And don't get me wrong - not every guy who tries to talk to me or even pick me up gets that kind of judgment or reaction from me. (They all get a form of rejection, OBVIOUSLY, but not one so harsh as I deal to 40-ish Year Old Overweight Creepy Bearded Man).
Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.


Joygazmic said...

wow, That's about as creepy as it gets... then again.. If I was in his place i can;t really imagine what I'd be doing either lol.. though I'd think anything would be better than hitting on random women in stores... :P

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